the feeling of being stuck

Being here, living through here. This post is grey. Ever since I got here, there has been nothing worthy I have done. This has left a huge hole in my heart, like a black hole. Nothing I feed it seems to make it full. It was not the same in the place I left. I yearn to do more, but alas, a black hole takes trillions of years to destroy.

Prologue

Six months. That is how long I have been stuck here. The first few classes, there was a shimmer of hope. I walked around with my tote bag and that came with a funny feeling of being stalked(?). Anyways, I expected the classes to be like what you would expect at "high-ranked" place, but to my disappointment it gave a feeling worse than that I had during school.

I went here with zero expectations, but it somehow managed to make it negative, something I previously had not thought was possible. Once the introductory phase was over and the normal classes began, it drained every last ounce of my soul. There was physics which I liked, but that was all. Every other class had it own quirks but they all followed a similar pattern: boring, mundane, borderline useless information. The worst part during the first examinations where I lost marks because my answers contained topics that were not discussed previously. This obviously made me very frustrated. This is how things have been, and things will be.

Spark?

I love programming. It held me through my darkest times. I needed to turn to it, to keep my from fading away, but I hit a block. Everything is not a fairly tale, and my inability to work on something has remain unchanged for the past five months and still counting.

Realising there was no way out of it for now, I turned to socialising. You would think that you could find connections easily— but that was further from the truth. The people were boring too, now that may sound like me problem, but I assure you dear readers it was not. One of the easiest way to get a conversation started was to bring a open-ended question about the degree you and your classmates are pursuing. It yielded no results. I was surrounded by people who barely had any clue about it, if any at all. That day changed something in me.

I did find friends eventually, but it just did not feel the same. The relatable factor was just thrown out of the window for the most part. Yes we did hangout, yes we did share food, yes we had our fun times— but everything felt a slight bit off. Not much, but just enough to unease your heart. I did find further connections through the power of literature and things did get better socially. The same could not be said for academics. I used to love learning, but this "institution" did not believe students should learn, but rather by-heart. I am not blaming the teaching faculty but rather the administration. Everything was just so backwards, by at least 2 decades. Using obscenely old technology and methods (they work, but they have been proved inefficient), limiting students to do their own exploration and a bunch more that would require its own separate post.

With a lack of spark, as my last resort I turned to films and TV. Re watching all time classics such as Lord of the Rings, Dead Poets Society, How I Met Your Mother and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. It provided me with comfort, and you can never go wrong with the wise words presented in LotR. It was quite nice and I am scavenging for more to read and watch, and if you have anything to suggest you know where to find me.

Trust

Trust is nonexistent. It might be me, it might be the people around me. The ability to trust someone would've been known to you after spending a few months with them. But no, I could not. There are so many details of my life that I have withheld, including my birthday and siblings. Birthday? Why you may ask. It may be petty, it certainly is weird to withhold that, but then again my heart not quite right and me emotional factors were shut down.

It is not to say I haven't trusted anyone yet so far. I have, even though it is painfully slow, I am starting to confide somethings about with them. I have met wonderful people during midterm, and we honestly hit it off. It was quite nice to have a proper chat, with similar views (who knew?!).

The second semester begun, and forced our way through new years in class. It has not been smooth sailing so far, and the courses became far worse than the previous ones (with the exception being graphics). I just am unable to focus during class, my mind goes further places than it has ever been, yet I cannot recall what these thoughts are about.

Every passing day, I've been getting sadder, yearning for some form of happiness, quietness and peace. This feels incomplete— Nay! It is incomplete. But that is were life leads, don't it? A garble of incomplete mess? And do we find a way to resolve this? We do, but more so often we do not.