instability

Francium, the most unstable element. But yours truly is even more unstable.

My dad came over to visit me over the weekend, and I took this opportunity to leave me dorm and stay with him. I finally felt not being incarcerated after what seemed like 'twas ages. It was happiness, and I liked it. Those were the few nights I had an acceptable sleep. Now that I am back, and he left, the glow in my face vanished. This stupid cycle of being happy and then it just evaporates makes me want to pull my hair out (I do).

Bench Sitter

I have been on the sidelines long enough to know that there will be one with my name on it. Possibly where most of my insecurities originated. I do not click with people, they rather find me quite odd or quirky. But you learn to deal with and just flow downstream. Even after I have arrived at my uni, the sidelines were shifted even more. Top of the class and all that, but that made me more distant from people. Rumour has it, people from my classes dislike me due to me being so full of myself. Not sure where that came from, but I do not heed to it, they are not close to me. What hurts is the no one is on the benches with me, like how The Doctor got lonely navigating space-time in his Tardis. Exaggerated analogy, but mind be up there.

To say I have been spiraling would be to put it lightly. I shall prevail, I hope. But these trying times require evermore tries.

Closure

I think them leaving me as a whole has left me to not find closure in anyone else.

That one awful tragedy that happened years ago and the cumulative bad days were the cause for me being depressed back then. I was young, naive and stupid. I was just starting to learn the horrors of humanity, even though the books had prepared me, reality hit worse. I am having a hard time structuring this post, so many emotions flowing through, hell I cannot even pick a colour. That aside, I am having this tendency to like, just, crumble. I don't know, maybe like a rag-doll being tossed around, I just want to get hurt emotionally. I cannot exactly put my finger on it and it is driving me insane. I mean is it really much to just need someone to hold me close, to know them deeper. Love aside, just to be with someone where you can feel vulnerable. The last sentences contrast each other, but I have been having those needs in me for a while now. Surprisingly, shouting all these into a screen or journal works well, but then they run out and it sucks. I saw this verse resurface again after a long time,

Strong people suffer alone at night
Smile during the day
They tell their friends half of it sometimes, and their parents almost nothing, so as not to worry them
...
They shed the current version of themselves over and over and over again
They dance between the lines of greatness and madness

~ Rodrigo Augusto M. Fogueira

I think it is probably the situation, nay, I know it is the situation I am in currently that made that verse stick to me harder. Although it sounds like a cliché, it does make sense to me at least. I do not want my friends and parents to carry my weight along with theirs, especially those carried by my parents. They do not show it, but it is quite visible.

My friend sent this post the other, where OP spent time with his older (age-wise) friend group and younger friend group. They noticed the disparity between the love lives. The older friend group had all these wonderful stories like "highschool sweetheart", "parks and beaches" and so on, while the other group was more so like, "Yeah, we met online" or "We moved in together within 2 months". I've noticed this a lot, and I miss those stories that they write in books or show in movies. The closure is get from just seeing that person on the park and having that tell is everything. I do not believe you get it from the younger generations.
If these do not happen to me, I will live a hermit faraway in the icy mountains. "The cold never bothered me anyway..."

Circling Back

I went to the doctors' recently and learnt I might be actually loosing a shit ton of a hair and might go bald. Bad news, Yay! I thought I dealt with it on the metro ride back, but nuhuh, once the honeymoon phase was over and the reality sat in, I realised how bad this was. My internal breakdown just had an outburst, and well I couldn't control it. I actually love me hair, and it was falling like autumn leaves. This triggered some form of trauma or episode and I just felt like coming back to being depressed. I do not want to talk about this to anyone, it is difficult, I am not able to find the words, only indescribable emotions. They have given me some medicines, which they promptly forgot to include in the bag so I have to go back. But I fear the cycle is about to begin, and once it does it would be a huge pit I would be stuck in, I am trying to kindle any hope left in me.

I wish to not further continue this part since it is making me fret even more. If I find the courage, I will maybe come back and make a continuation.

This was over a week, and the doctor's appointment being today. I am in this state of constant precariousness right now and I do not know what to do about it. I cannot turn to anyone. I am scared and everything around me is scary.