verge

Disclaimer: TW, SH
This posts touches topics about self harm and suicide. If you are suffering from those please do not read any further. Contact your hotline or anyone. Please.

I have lost it. Eh. Old habits die hard, but they get revived harder. The not-so-precious cycle. Ouroboros. Lately everything has been off, I cannot put a figure on it. Sure some things have been nice, even great, but the darkness outweighs those. It consumes them. Like a singularity in a black hole. These thoughts just enter the horizon and they get stuck. I feel like ejecting my brain would be the only way forward, but what is living then?

Harm

I used to have a therapist. She told me self harm is a way of coping. Of course it is given. But what she made me understand was why people do it. You cannot stop a person who is determined to do something. Even if they only have the slightest intentions. They will find a way or the other. The pain you deal with is unbearable. You want to displace it, so you turn to other methods that are not considered wise. Drugs are destructive, therapy is expensive. Self harm just felt right, it seemed right. All the required tools were just available. There is a reason why sobriety applications include a self help option. When you cut yourself, the execution and the way it bleeds releases endorphins, you just feel nothing for some duration. That feeling of nothingness just makes it worth it. You are not sad, for a few lines on your skin, it feels like a fair trade.

I did my research. I cannot afford a medical grade scalpel, so I turned to the next best thing — sharpeners. They can chip through wood smooth, and removing them required a standard philip head or hell, even your nails worked. So there it began. For 6 months, some tiny cuts here and there, mainly on my left arm. Wanted it to be art you know. Then I ran out of space, so thighs it was. I did not delve deep, I knew these would scar you for life and, well, I can still the remnants left by it today. At my current state of mind it feels rather nice to look back at it and feel it. But I am aware enough it is not the right, it never was. I cannot speak to anyone about this. I will breakdown, I am tearing up as I write this. Other than that, it has been pretty much the normal brutality.

I am at least a year and half clean now. That is a good thing. If any percent of what I felt then ever comes back to me, my day is ruined. You can pretend everything is fine. It is easier than to show. I look for myself everywhere. I know what I am, but I do not have the will to face it, as I do know I will run away. I like to think darkness has consumed me, but I know I have consumed it. And I fear it has not entered in peace. I can feel its excruciating pain on me and I can feel myself being ripped to shreds.

Death

I was ready to greet Death with a smile. I like to think of her as the kind soul that helps with your transition and she is just misunderstood. I always wanted to fly anyways, and I knew it would be finally possible. The when you dream of looking down, all just stops, and you feel the need to just push for it, but you wake up know you do not want that. I did not want to die, I just got a little bit fed up with what I was dealing with. Yes people have it worse, but people are different and that is what makes us so difficult. In a homogeneous world there would be nothing.

Nothing to be concerned off, I assume people feel like this all the time, and that makes me feel better for some reason. I have much to do, albeit slower than usual, but I would like to see something of myself before it all goes tumbling.

Cope

Talking to myself was beautiful. This comes to my mind,

I practiced speeches in private
I was impressed with my every line
I think we call that performing
That's not how I wanna spend my life

~ Normal Thing, Gracie Abrams

I see myself doing something great, certainly not now, but hopefully sometime in the future. All these scenarios I have made up in my head and I still do remember them. I have found people to talk with. I have found things to live for. If something is worth dying for, then it is definitely worth living for too. Love is the centre of it all. Love is the point. It took my a while to realise that, and I am still in the process. I took up new hobbies to help me deviate. Crochet was nice, helped me to move away from holding any sort of blade to a hook. I still do it and I have recently picked it again just to help me right now. I do not know what to crochet, but if she asks me anything that is what I do. To despair for something, and only to have a possibility is pain.

Hallucination, shame
Guilt, pain, more pain

(Don't let them know we're in pain) More pain
(Don't let them know we're in pain) More pain
(Don't let them know we're in pain) More pain

~ I Told You Things, Gracie Abrams

She always felt relatable from the get go. I am starting to find out why. Yes these huge artists have a different sort of pain, but they are still human, and we all still feel our gut wrench the same. The way it twists as a knife doing it. Holding on to that something old is keeping me going so far.

Recurrence

I can feel it calling my name, I must resist. I know it will be my end if I fall for it. This time I do not know why I am aching. I have no factor to pinpoint it on. I do know there are multiple factors, but I do not know which is causing the most. Wishing it would vanish is just bliss, but at the moment I want to feel nothing. Nothing is always better the a negative something. I am scared to go to someone, but eventually I will. Time moves forward, I have to sail along till I break from it.

And if you are feeling the same, please reach out for help. Call your emergency number, or your local hotline number. There are people to help you. Do not commit what I did, or tried.